IB : Sem 3

Just some rants about how I felt during sem 3 exam, these are being jotted down in my phone on that day thus if there is anyone that happens to read this, I'm sorry for the emotive language. 

19/11 - I'm walking alone this evening to get my dinner instead of going with friends. I just feel like to be alone rn , felt so helpless too . My eyes r tired but I couldn't afford to take a nap. My look r empty. All these efforts I put on, just making sure that I'm not gonna regret what I'm doing now after I got the result later. That's what motivates me to be productive, making sure I have nothing to blame on (i mean regret on) if I didn't get a good result later.

The reason why I'm not telling ppl what i've progressed on, that's because i usually finish the syllabus when those ppl around me tell they didn't yet. (I just won't feel good if I didn't finish them and I'm easily motivated I guess). hm I had been very efficient from the first day of study week but at the end , my results don't resemble all that. It's always like that tbh ..We learn from the past rite ? That's what my past taught me.

21/11 - Today was one hard day its the first day of the exam and i already felt like giving up. Why should an exam paper make ppl feel so down n so useless. Cuz that's what I'm thinking rn. Couldn't even tell if i'll get half the mark of the Math HL paper. What a pity life i had huh . So koyak that i didn't go to eat dinner n feel so hungry rn. Currently sitting on my bed and try to find some motivation to study for Physics HL paper tomorrow, might be looking for some videos available in youtube about how God appreciates every single effort that we make just to calm myself. I'm laughing around but felt so shattered inside. Lord give me some strength. Why again i have to face all this stupidity ?

23/11 - Skip breakfast n lunch today just to end up misinterpret what the quest wants :)

29/11 - My feelings had lied to me all this time, thought i did well in Physics (at least i know it was much better than last sem's paper) but it turns out the other way around :( What saddens me the most was because i spent most of the days studying Physics, to be getting a 'cukup-cukup makan' marks was truly a disappointment. The thing that is more painful is when ur friends thought they did bad for Physics but turns out they got the same grade as u while u ; the one who thought that the Physics paper would grade up ur points, was actually just being deceived by ur own thoughts, realizing that what I wrote in the exam paper was actually - half rubbish , Allahu .

Call me an ungrateful person .
How to put effort without feeling the want of having good grades  How to expect nothing after all the hard work u put on  How to not be sad when u realise no matter how much effort u put on , u just gonna get that low grade. At many points , I just wanna give up, can I just stop feeling motivated?

It is painful to know that your best isn't the best yet.

What's more painful than that? When people say that everything goes back to the barakah of the knowledge u gained. I think about this quite a lot of times .. and to think about it was such a heartache, it's like everything is useless and it made me feels like I'm a really bad person :( 

Sincerely by Amira Aina