2nd post for 2019

Assalammualaikum

Wow it has really been a while since I write something in here. A lot of things has happened, both good and bad. I'm feeling a bit emotional today and it seems like I can't seem to talk about it to anyone, so here I am pouring my heart out in this blog. Like how I used to do before :) Thank you for existing blog.

My journey of being a student in 2019 has been both fun and tough. It's fun because someone is sharing this journey with me. But it's also tough because the subjects itself become tougher and also, they become tougher the more emotional I get.

To be at this point, I went through a lot of things. Particularly in terms of studies, I went through mostly hardships. I don't know how much I ranted in this blog about my studies. Maybe that causes me to be so sensitive with my results. There has always been a dreadful story before the successful one. And right now, I'm going to rant about another sad story. 

I just received my semester 4 result yesterday. It was not bad but I am disappointed because it didn't reach my target. Just a few points away from what I wanted, but screw that because that doesn't change the fact that I didn't reach my target. It hurts me most as every time I think about it back, I know that things could have been better in so many ways. I promised myself to do better, so I tried but I still disappoint myself. There are few incidents in the semester that I will never forget, those time when my groupmates aren't that helpful, the night before my quiz when I quarreled with Zaki, those days before my mid-semester exam and on the day I cried so bad in the university library. I'm juggling with a lot of subjects in my plate and I can say that I failed to divide my time equally for everything. I started to regret about a lot of things. If only I can go back just for a tiny little while to fix something, I know I'll reach my target. My heart aches so much because I'm striving so hard to get good results, but they were never good enough. I thought I can get a high distinction for this one subject since my carry marks were really good, and I'm also confident with the final exam paper but no, I only managed to get a distinction. Another episode of me thinking that I did well - not realising what I wrote in the paper was actually r******. But I still wonder at which part of the paper that went wrong. How I wish I could ask a remarking for that paper sigh. 

I refused to write longer because I felt with more rants, the more sin I made since I'm not grateful.

It is tiring battling with my own self. 

p/s: I will not appreciate comfort words from someone who always experience a smooth journey in their studies because you will never understand 

Sincerely by Amira Aina